It Doesn’t Ever Stop

I generally don’t write about really personal things here; well because it’s the internet; but fact is i’ve seen my blog traffic so it’s pretty  close to writing into the vapor anyone can imagine.   people who know me say that i’m probably to open about everything.  not stoic enough; but here’s the funny thing, right now i’m a lock box.  i’m apparently on vacation and pondering the whole concept of “perception is reality” realizing that it is, if you’re schizophrenic or a drug addict.   the reality i’m in right now has no power over the perception of the people i’m with; and it’s deadly.  i find myself thinking on this retreat from stress and anxiety “god can i go home”; “can i maybe find another place to be?” and it kills me.  being in my own head this much; unable to freely say “stop it!” is a state i only remember from when i was young.  it is a state i’ve made distinctive and calculated efforts to never be in again.  only you find yourself back there, sure that you’re 8 again standing in a hallway unable to scream “stop it” because the world around you is stuck in some other perception that isn’t actually real.  so who is the crazy one in this scenario?  am i nuts because i’m the only one who is tense and trapped and feeling so lonely in the midst of other people as they numb themselves to everything?  or am i some sort of judgmental snob as the perception of those around me right now suspect, because it upsets or aggravates or agitates me so much i can barely breathe?